By Adrian Velonis, Co-Editor-in-Chief
It was a dark and stormy night. The rain fell in torrents—except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the tree-lined paths (for it is at Haverford College that our scene lies), rattling along the dorm-tops, and fiercely agitating the scanty, 54-watt corn cob LED lightbulbs of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
Within a small dorm room in Gummere Hall, a depleted English major laments the 165 remaining pages of purple Victorian prose he must annotate by 9:00 AM. A startling clap of thunder causes his yellow, chisel-tipped BIC Brite Liner highlighter to veer off its intended course and down the entire page. The single remaining brain cell still stubbornly motivated to complete the assignment implodes within the student’s mind. He sits back in his chair, exhausted. Glancing between his wardrobe and the vast pile of hopelessly dirty laundry across the room, he realizes with alarm that he lacks even a single clean sock for class in the morning. He jumps up, and with basket in hand, hurriedly runs down the stairs to the basement and approaches the OneCard reader to pay the $1.50 necessary to begin a standard wash cycle.
But alas! The student’s OneCard balance rests at only $0.73. He knows all too well that he has no quarters. O pain and misery! Whatever shall be done? Central Services is long closed (the torrential downpour outside makes travel an impossibility anyway). No friends are awake at this ungodly hour to solicit alms from. Certainly none of them would appreciate an early wake-up call. The student searches for the coin machine outside the laundry room in hope of respite, pulling out two $1 bills in anticipation, but to his dismay the “TEMPORARILY OUT OF SERVICE” light glows in bright orange on the apparatus. His last hope is the adjacent Pepsi machine towering menacingly above him. He inserts his last two battered dollars. The machine devours its catch with glee. The student anxiously presses the coin return button. As he hears clinks of metal upon metal, his spirit rises, and a hopeful grin flits across his face. But to his dismay, out comes not quarters, but dimes. Legal tender, to be sure, but unusable in the college’s quarter-dependent laundry machine ecosystem.
The student stares at the dimes that the Pepsi machine has venomously spit out before him. Not quarters—dimes. No, it can’t be! The room begins to spin, and he collapses to his knees. For what unforgivable sin has he been condemned to this hell, with all hope of doing his laundry in time for class tomorrow sabotaged by the slings and arrows of outrageous misfortune? The student resigns himself to his fate; there is no redemption to be found in the dank Gummere basement. He understands his inexcusable transgression—not having a stack of quarters on hand in his bedroom for dire emergencies like this one—and must suffer the consequences.
Spirit of the Black Squirrel, September 2020: “Hark! Be tormented nevermore by the pain within thy hearts, O ye Fords of the fall 2020 semester; for it has come to me by high revelation that the campus’ ravenous laundry machines hunger no longer for our hard-earned quarters. Hear my words and rejoice, for salvation is upon us!”
You read that right, friends: Haverford doesn’t want your $1.50 for wash (or $1.75 for super cycle, for the bougier of those among us) and $1.25 for dry anymore. They said, “Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch. It’s all yours. Have at it. Do as much laundry as you want. Wash a sock at a time if it tickles your fancy. It’s free. Really.”
Indeed, students arriving on campus for Customs, Horizons, International Student Orientation, and general move-in have discovered to their delight that the laundry machines in the basements of their dorm buildings are, as of the time of writing, completely and utterly free of charge.
To be frank, this is a total game-changer. It’s revolutionary. One might even call it status quo-shattering. Marx would suggest bourgeoisie-upending; proletariat-empowering. If nothing else, cleanliness-encouraging. Very amazingly excellently good and beneficial. Other adjectives.
The Bi-College News has solicited the perspectives of various students across the two colleges on this matter in the ever-ongoing pursuit of balanced journalism. “It really helps to remove the extra expense of laundry for students. I think that the change is among the greatest ever made to campus life at Haverford,” said Rebecca Koweek (HC ‘22). [The author of this article remarks that there is no doubt about that.] “I was always a super-cycler on the washing machine and am kinda bummed that I can’t do that anymore,” commented Sam Aaronson (HC ‘22). “But also the OneCard machine would steal my money in Gum, and getting quarters was always a pain, and also it cost money and doesn’t anymore, so that’s all cool too.”
Without the need to spend the quarters that they’d already acquired, some returning students are overjoyed with the creative outlets that may result from having a surplus of coins. Asked about his newfound predicament, John Collins (HC ‘23) stated, “My quarter-tower is gonna be really big this year.” For others, it offers a respite from the anxieties of a world wrapped up in a major health crisis. “Free laundry is the bit of sunshine to follow the hurricane sharknado that this pandemic has been,” Emily Hsiang (HC ‘23) said.
Some felt that the change didn’t affect them significantly. “I never actually did laundry using the machines when we had to pay. Every Tuesday morning I’d head to the duck pond and scrub-a-dub-dub away,” said Poppy Northing (HC ‘22). Certain students living off-campus for the semester have expressed pangs of jealousy over the new policy, but are quick to justify the superiority of their own laundry machine arrangements. “Well that’s lame. I’m paying for the electricity to run my washer,” Alton Wiggers (HC ‘21) said over a text message. “It’s right outside my room though, so honestly the convenience is probably worth the price.”
Some recent Bi-Co graduates have been left feeling confused and offended. “Ok, but what if instead Haverford pays their student workers a $15/hr wage?” said a former Co-Editor-in-Chief of The Bi-College News. “Where can I submit a form for reimbursement?” [Telling it straight. The author remarks that they’ve probably covered half their tuition in laundry fees alone.] One current Bryn Mawr student was appalled to hear the news, stating, “I used to flirt with Haverbros by offering free laundry in my dorm. How am I supposed to pick up guys now?”
Paid laundry is nothing new to Haverford; students going back generations have suffered the consequences of its cold financial grip on their sartorial lives. As such, many alumni had positive reactions to the news. “Well damn, that’s cool,” said Jeanne Velonis (HC ‘94). “Aw man! That would have been nice when we were there. Getting quarters was always annoying,” added Suzanne Shulman (HC ‘94). Others offered nuanced characterizations of the student body in days of yore, as with Karyn Tappe (HC ‘94), who stated, “In the 90s Haverford was all about looking scruffy and being smelly. I guess Haverford is not aiming for that anymore.” James Kindt (HC ‘94) reminisced about the emotional turmoil that stemmed from being forced to pay for laundry. “The struggle to find quarters drove me to write a song called ‘The I’ve Run Out of Quarters, Can’t Do My Laundry Blues,’ which is fortunately lost to history.”
Haverford has historically been the laughingstock of laundry aficionados between the two colleges of the Bi-Co, as Bryn Mawr students have had the good fortune not to be charged for the service for some time. “Took y’all long enough,” another former Co-Editor-in-Chief of The Bi-College News remarked. “RIP all the Blue Bus laundry walks of shame. It was so amusing to watch the embarrassment of all the Haverpeople lugging their laundry baskets on there in hopes of mooching off their Bryn Mawr friends for a free load.”
But fate has smiled upon us this term. The aforementioned sacrifices will be made no more, now that Haverford students are free of the oppressive yoke of paid laundry!
Free laundry is the standard at many colleges outside the Bi-Co as well, such as Carnegie Mellon and Stony Brook Universities, to name a couple. “I can say from the bottom of my heart that I was truly, deeply devastated when I learned that Haverford has not historically offered free laundry to its students. To be frank, it is an insult to their very humanity to deprive them of the privilege of cleaning their clothes for free,” said Sean Prendi (CMU ‘22). “Given that, I’m certain you can imagine how elated I was to learn that laundry machines will be operating at no charge this semester. The history books will look back on this momentous decision with the utmost admiration.” Another student outside the community expressed relief that laundry would be more accessible for hygienic reasons. “As anybody who’s stood near one would know, Haverford students do not wash their clothes. I desperately hope that this will change with the introduction of free laundry,” said Ken Otomo (SBU ‘22). [Ouch.]
The Bi-College News also solicited quotations on the matter from notable figures from outside the Bi-Co, including one-term Haverford attendee Chevy Chase, former U.S. Postmaster General Megan Brennan, and Grand Duke Henri of Luxembourg. As of the time of writing, they have not responded to any requests for comment.
Regardless, let it be known that all living human beings wholeheartedly endorse the decision to make laundry free as the strategically and ethically correct course of action. To you, Haverford College, I sing naught but praise. We can only hope that this policy remains in place indefinitely, a sign of the institution’s genuine resolution toward trust, concern, and respect.
Image credit: Adrian Velonis, Gummere Hall washing machines
Unattributed quotations: Edward Bulwer-Lytton, Paul Clifford; William Shakespeare, Hamlet
