By Viviana Freyer and Elle Thompson, Staff Editors
Quotes taken from a March 2021 conference. All names given are aliases.
“For too long, we’ve been fed lies,” begins Chad, the opening keynote speaker for the Haverford Brothers Society Debunking the Female Orgasm, the secret annual convention devoted to debunking the myths surrounding female pleasure. In short, they seek to disprove once and for all what only hysterical women have been pushing for decades: that the female orgasm even exists. The Brothers have never before allowed outsiders to witness the convention, making The Bi-College News the first newspaper in history to get full coverage.
“None of us have ever seen it happen. How can it be a real thing?” asks Brad, a senior from Boston. Brad’s first experience with female orgasm denial came during his 2016 gap year, when he took a break from school to intern for anti-WAP advocate Ben Shapiro. He points to “the women’s lib” as the defining social movement from which the female orgasm myth first sprung. “It’s definitely feminists manipulating us into thinking we, as men, have been failing women.”
The society originated several years ago, after an infamous 2006 feud brought relations between the Bi-Co to a standstill. When Bi-Co couple Stacy and Chaz had a rough breakup that year, Stacy eventually realized she was a lesbian. At an a capella group meeting three months later, Stacy mentioned in passing how sex with women was better than sex with men ever was. When challenged by her ex-boyfriend, a fellow member of the club, she retorted, “you didn’t even wanna try using a vibrator!” Indignant, Chaz went online to vent his frustrations and soon found a community of men right here in the Bi-Co with similar experiences. After bonding over not being able to bring women to sexual satisfaction, they began contemplating if the female orgasm was “even a real thing, dude.” The rest is history.
Since then, their underground community has only grown. The biggest spike in numbers came in 2015, when a Swarthmore student, identified on their anonymous Reddit group only as SwatVirgin420, decided to start a Tri-Co chapter. Their convention has also increased in popularity. “We don’t know if the society is official at other colleges outside the Tri-Co, but we’re sure there are guys across the country who know what’s up,” says Thad, a senior and student worker at the Coop. “I’ve talked to some Wharton guys. They definitely agree.”
A Bryn Mawr chapter has not yet appeared. “It’s always so confusing to me,” Chad told us in an interview. “I mean, there must be some females who acknowledge the truth is right in front of them… I think they just fake it, like on PornHub.”
“One time, I spent five whole minutes trying to pleasure my girlfriend. And absolutely nothing happened. I didn’t even find a clit!” added Brent, a junior from Virginia. When asked if maybe their sexual abilities were just not up to par, Brent replied, “well maybe your mom’s sexual abilities are just not up to par. AYOOO!”
The annual convention includes various activities, including workshops, seminars and lectures. Popular seminars include “What to Do if She Asks for Her Turn,” “You Don’t Need a Top Sheet: Sexual Positivity for Men,” “Condoms Are For Cucks” and “Caring for your Own Capricious Knob” (“C.O.C.K.”). Most popular of all, however, is the convention-ending motivational workshop: “Your Dick Is Big, King,” where each Brother takes turns flashing the group from the front of the auditorium as the whole room chants, “Your dick is big, king.” In these unprecedented times, with a global pandemic in progress, this particular tradition took place outside, to the shock and horror of several unsuspecting professors on their lunch break. “We were contemplating just doing it over Zoom,” said Chad, in response to a recent email received from the Haverford Honor Council. “But we wanted to stay true to the experience.” A poster hung around the corner from the event read “Clothing Optional, Mask Required.”
Trent, a sophomore from Seattle, wants to make clear that the Haverford Brothers Society of Female Orgasm Deniers is not affiliated with the Incel community. “We have a lot of sex. Probably the people who have the most sex in the Bi-Co.” He pauses to consider, then adds: “Maybe that’s why the Bryn Mawr snowflakes are so insistent they can cum.”
To non-deniers of the female orgasm, he would say that “Pleasuring women is for beta males. Even if the female orgasm was real, why would you want to be a beta male?”
At the end of the convention, we asked Thad what his ideal outcome would be. He responded that the Haverford Brothers Society of Female Orgasm Deniers does not mean any harm. “We just want male pleasure to be at the forefront of sex again,” he explained. “In this political climate, it’s important to allow all viewpoints to be heard.” He quickly added: “But please don’t use our real names.”
Image credit: The Bi-College News
1 comment
This is so brave. thank you for sharing.