It will soon come to light that Kamala Harris won the 2024 election and Bryn Mawr students have been chosen via high-frequency energies to be her Patriot Warriors who must inform the American public of her impending ascent to office. Please, just hear me out.
Pizza Gate. Adrenochrome. A stolen 2020 election. Conspiracy theories created by right-wing extremists are everywhere. They are a flame that has burned bright ever since Kennedy died, fanned by Donald Trump’s shockingly bold embrace of them. While anyone without brain worms knows that QAnon or similar cultish ideologies are insane and false, over 77 million Americans voted for someone who publicly supports these conspiracies. Trump helped organize a coup. He has a well-documented friendship with former Infowars host Alex Jones, who was recently ordered to pay $1.5 billion to the families of victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary mass shooting for organizing a violent hate campaign against them, claiming they are actors paid by the CIA. And yet, a (very slight) majority of American voters still take Trump seriously enough to be elected president again.
Trump is surrounded by endless conspiratory company. One of Trump’s closest congressional allies, Georgia Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, famously claimed a Jewish space laser was responsible for California wildfires in 2018 and that “Zionist supremacists” are orchestrating a “great replacement” of white Americans by encouraging Muslims to immigrate to the US. Then, to allegedly prove there is “not an antisemitic bone in her body,” she donated to an Israeli extremist organization called the Temple Institute, whose goal is to destroy the Dome of the Rock Mosque and replace it with a Jewish monument. And MTG is just the tip of the iceberg.
So, why do so many Republicans get to act insane and stay in office? The line for what is acceptable and progressive enough for Democrats is constantly changing. Perhaps it was this asymmetric standard that awarded Republicans so many victories this past election; they can be as inflammatory as they want to rope in fringe voters, but the more “moderate” ones don’t condemn them and vote for them anyway. That is why it is time for Democrats to start their own conspiracy theories.
Now, make no mistake, Democrats have been doing plenty of actual conspiracies for decades. Destabilizing democratically elected leaders, funding the indiscriminate bombing of children, they’ve got the whole gambit covered. What they need is to publicly embrace lunatic theories that capitalize on the public’s distrust of the government to help them win elections.
As it turns out, the perfect opportunity already exists. On the night of Nov. 5, after a long, terrible evening of constantly checking the Associated Press, I had a dream. It was a glorious dream. They miscounted! Hundreds of thousands- no, millions- of uncounted votes in battleground states were suddenly discovered for Kamala Harris. She won! Not Trump. Thank god, because imagine the four-year nightmare that would have been another Trump presidency.
Then I woke up. Just like that, my sweet relief was ripped from me. Nov. 6 was awful. It felt like all the joy had been sucked from campus. I was telling a friend about the dream I had, and the strangest thing happened. She’d had the same dream… I dismissed this as a coincidence. But then I told another friend. And she’d dreamed it too. And then another. And another. Soon, I had talked to at least eight other students who’d had the exact. Same. Dream!
I knew this couldn’t be a coincidence any longer.
There was only one explanation: Kamala Harris did actually win the election. Those votes were real! She couldn’t reveal her victory just yet, because of reasons. She knew that her most trustworthy allies would be Historical Women’s College students in a swing state, so she communicated using high-frequency energies that she manipulated using her access to the national Emergency Alert System. Please, do not ask me for specifics. I do not have the time or the clearance to find out how it works, but in my heart, I know the truth. She has selected us as her Patriot Warriors and it is our job to tell Americans the truth: Kamala Harris is currently in office as the President of the United States, controlling the government secretly. All of the awful chaos that Donald Trump is already wreaking is just a distraction, and soon it will end once she has completed her plots.
Don’t expect anything too big; she will not be giving us socialized medicine, student loan debt forgiveness, a universal basic income, or any real climate progress. These are things that Democrats don’t have time to worry about because they are busy interfering with South America’s elections and pretending to care about women’s rights. Please try to understand, it is a lot of work. However, we will be getting some wins! Her administration will ritually sacrifice at least two old, conservative judges so that gay marriage does not become illegal, and she will only approve one oil pipeline in Alaska! Whoop whoop!
While Kamala is busy working behind the scenes, it is crucial that we, the Patriot Warriors, spread the truth so that her transition to power is not resisted too heavily by the public! Then, come the 2026 midterms, Democrats can leverage this theory to take back control of the House of Representatives. To do this, everyone must take to Twitter (I’m not calling it X;, who do you think I am?) IMMEDIATELY and spread the #KAMALATRUTH of the #BMCPATRIOTWARRIORS. Your support- yes, you are essential to this cause. Help us make the left equally as deranged as the right. It’s what she’d want.
