By Sylvia Young, Staff Writer
Aries: You’re known for your fiery passion, but don’t let that burning feeling set the fire alarm off. We just want to sleep without having to leave the building at random times, so could you maybe tone it down this week?
Taurus: It’s hard being as stubborn as you, especially at the start of a new year when so many things are changing. But don’t worry! You’ve been training your whole life for this. Pick an irrelevant issue and stick to your opinion on it, no matter what. Whatever you do, don’t let facts or reason change your mind.
Gemini: You might’ve been called two-faced before, but remember: the more the merrier. You should really strive to put on a different personality for every person you meet. It’ll make them feel special, because you’ve created an individualized self just for them. I’m sure that won’t end badly.
Cancer: Sure, you’ve been called whiny and sensitive before. But you know what? You need to own that. Be even more whiny. Complain about every single thing, because if you do that, you’ll never be able to figure out what you care about. And then you’ll never have to face the fact that this will lead you to wasting your life doing things that you don’t care about to get money.
Leo: People think you like the spotlight, but really you’re just a cold lizard. You deserve to be a warm lizard basking on a rock. But maybe use a heat lamp instead of taking up the spotlight this time. Other people deserve attention too.
Virgo: You might be feeling a little stressed out or like you don’t have any control. But do you know what you can control? The number of flowers you draw on your notes in class. For ideal mental health, draw at least one hundred.
Libra: You’re known for being indecisive. But why is that such a bad thing? Thanks to your lack of commitment (and your excess of meal swipes), you get to eat at both Erdman and New Dorm AND the DC every night. Spread this to other aspects of your life.
Scorpio: You know the song “You Need to Calm Down” by Taylor Swift? It’s directed at you. So maybe, like, chill?
Sagitarius: School is really kicking into gear, and it might seem like things are getting hard. But don’t face that challenge head-on. Instead, run until you reach the hills of Switzerland and become a goatherd like Heidi. That’s when you’ll finally find meaning.
Capricorn: You want to be the most popular and have the most friends. Some people think that’s “so high school.” But they’re just dumb losers. Popularity still matters — it’s just called networking here. So keep on emulating Regina George ‘till you reach the top.
Aquarius: For you Mawrtyrs, Bryn Mawr has a lot of stone and brick buildings. That’s probably why you chose this school in the first place. You felt so drawn to the brick walls, which are reflective of your suppressed emotions. And, a lot of people think brick walls are beautiful, so keep pushing down everything you feel. I’m sure it won’t all come crashing down like rocks in an earthquake.
Pisces: Life can be hard, and people often have a desire to escape into a fantasy world. Some think that it’s detrimental to live in a world of make-believe. But you’re right to think that imagining yourself as a bubble floating through a flower field is the proper way to live life.
Image credit: New York Public Library
