Editor’s Note: In a new collaboration between the Haverford Consensus and the Bi-College News, we present a parody guide to “Hell Week,” or “WTF Week”!
Joseph Edward Southall, Image via Fine Art UK/Birmingham Museum Trust
Feeling apprehensive leading up to your first Hell Week? We here at the Consensus, a club fully run by Haverford students, are experts on all things Bryn Mawr. Given our expertise, we feel uniquely prepared to present to you: our definitive guide to Hell Week.
Stay Below the Legal BAC Limit
During Hell Week, alcohol flows like water. You may find yourself tempted to throw back a few shots of Fireball in celebration, but remember: you never know when you’ll need to operate heavy machinery. That’s why it’s a good idea to always keep your blood alcohol content below 0.8%. The last thing you want to do is disappoint your Hell Parent by not giving them a 2 AM ride to Wawa, so avoid a DUI by limiting yourself to a maximum of 4 standard drinks at a time.
Practice Your Latin
Lorem ipsum! Being indoctrinated into BMC is pretty intimidating! We get it — Hell Week is all about new experiences and new fiends, and that can take you out of your comfort zone. But just remember: you’ll feel a lot more confident going toe to toe with the Legions of Hell Week if you understand what they’re saying.
Find A Virgin From Haverford
Hell Week is defined by the spirit of childlike innocence and is a rite of passage into the realm of adulthood, as framed by a historically women’s liberal arts college. There’s no better way to celebrate this initiation than by nabbing yourself the nearest little virgin at your neighboring school! Keep them by your side so you may proselytize them into the dawning of a new era of your lives, rewarding their abstinence with a sight of the glory that is Bryn Mawr.
Attend A Workshop!
If you’re feeling lost, don’t worry! Hell Week is a daunting time for even the most ghoulish of ne’er-do-wells – be sure to take advantage of the many witches and magistras eager to help guide your tutorial of the dark arts. Stop by Dalton for lessons in offering to Athena, Taylor for teachings on theistic Satanist writings, or Arnecliffe for pentagram painting!
Come To Haverford For Heaven Week If You Need A Break
Burnt out from the bacchanal? Hop on the Blue Bus and be whisked away to Haverford College to celebrate Heaven Week atop the lush fields of Founders Green. All attendees from Bryn Mawr will be encouraged to sober up with a plethora of soft drinks, cold showers, and professional exorcists at their disposal.
Appease Your Hell Parent
During Hell Week, keeping your Hell Parent happy is of utmost importance, lest you be labeled a heretic. Of course, everybody makes mistakes. If you find yourself facing the wrath of your infernal guardian, they may be sated with a Chipotle burrito bowl. However, it’s widely known that a ritual bonfire ceremony in their honor works best.
Sacrifice Aforementioned Virgin
If the tone of this article wasn’t already making this clear, Hell Week is ALSO defined by the spirit of demonism and ritual sacrifice. So remember that little Haverford virgin you grabbed a couple steps back? Now’s the time to utilize the blood and flesh of their pure corporeal form to appease Lucifer, reach your highest potential, and transcend to a greater plane of existence only attainable through the selfish act of murder. Anassa kata, kalo kale!
Summon the Devil
If you followed our previous steps, you should already know what to do. It’ll be a cakewalk!
Do Your Homework!
Beyond the blood-spill and the cleansing heat of fire, Bryn Mawr is a pillar of academic excellence. After all, you won’t be admitted to the Kingdom of Satan with a GPA below 3.2. Take breaks between throwing benches in trees and intraspecies hematophagy to get started on that Psych essay, or set aside some time after the Reanimation of Athena to start thinking about your midterms. Party hard, but work harder.
